Thursday, 31 July 2008
Had a very amusing evening last night in the Southern Suburbs – R50 for one glass of wine!!! Holy shit these people are being robbed!! Met a lovely chap from New York who did all he could to defend the American Tourist. I actually had the cheek to ask him why all Americans talk so loud, to which he pleasantly answered “Because it is very loud in New York!” Hmmm – Interesting.
I would love to go to New York. Just for a weekend. Just to get a feel of the place. But only after I have seen Italy, Paris, Thailand, Greece, Ireland…..
Well I had one too many glasses of wine – it is time to nurse my hangover with coffee and food! Then get some real work done!
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
I am really and truly blessed with some amazing people in my life and the place I am staying is just heavenly! I didn’t realise how effected I am by my surroundings. I have never felt so right and at peace with the world like I felt yesterday after work, standing on the beach with an ice cream watching the sun set. Feeling awestruck at the pleasure of simply walking along the beach. This is where I need to live – this is how I need to live! Or maybe it’s just what I need right now!
I followed the ice cream with a facial and was consequentially robbed blind by spending over two thousand rand on facial products! I never saw it bill coming!
This weekend was full of wine, sitting on a delightful bench on the beach and reading Eat, Pray , Love for the second time (although I am getting slightly resentful of Miss Elizabeth Gilbert’s fortunate means of being able to stay in the most beautiful affluent part of Rome, take Italian lessons and a year of travelling, Of course she finally found happiness and love – who wouldn’t given the opportunity)
I had an interesting time at the Waterfront, being questioned quite earnestly by a young waiter as to why was I eating alone and not married (THANKS DUDE!)
And lot’s and lot’s of yoga. An hour of not thinking about anything but how to get my body to gracefully contort itself into the plough posture. This lady has a better way of putting it:
“Then there are those moments that make it all worthwhile. I’m carried on my breath like a leaf on the wind: folding, arching, twisting, bending, leaping lightly from one posture to the next. My body tingles with energy; my mind is quietly absorbed in the hypnotic rhythm of practice. The poses seem strung on the breath like prayer beads on a mala; I enter each one to the best of my ability, savoring the silky stretches, the pleasurable ache of muscles taxed to their edge."
Anne Cushman, Yoga Journal, January/February 1995
Friday, 25 July 2008
I am not having a great day today. I am weary about facing the weekend. I really miss having someone to talk to. I have really never felt so alone in my entire life. I feel almost invisible. It is amazing how many things in my life I am actually disappointed with. When I was with you and we were planning a future I could just about deal with anything. But now there seems to be very little purpose. I am not ready to substitute my old dreams for new ones, I can’t really think about an hour from now – let alone my future. I am so disappointed with myself for staying with a man who didn’t love me. I feel so sad that it turns out I am a pathetic person who stayed with you for so long – knowing that you will never give me everything I want in life. I feel so scared thinking that I may not get another chance to find love and to get married and start a family. I am so sad for the sadness and disappointment my family will feel when I tell them the truth. So much of my pride will be dissolved; so much of my spirit will be dampened and hardened. I am not an easy person, I don’t make friends easy and because of you I am in a city all alone.
Thursday, 24 July 2008
I fell head over heels in love the first time I watched that movie. It must have been about 13 years ago! He was an artist, a couple of years older than me. He kept to himself, wore small round glasses and was simply gorgeous. He always seemed completely unavailable until that night when we shared our common love for everything psychedelic, esoteric and wonderfully weird.
Unfortunately the romance didn’t last and soon after our relationship came to a bit of a sad end – he found God and became a Pastor. I may just be attracted to extremists!
I found this website Spare Bricks – it is a fantastic site discussing imagery and the concerts of Pink Floyd. Bob Cooney’s article: The Top Ten Floydian Visuals lists the Copulating Flowers as number six on his list and writes the following:
"Maybe not as popular a visual, nor as widely recognized as others, but certainly one of the most striking visuals ever created to accompany a rock song. The picture of the two flowers twirling and entwining captivates us from the start. Culminating in the two flowers actually uniting in a strange sexual embrace, the images shocks viewers right out of their seats. I can remember seeing this visual for the first time in the Nassau Coliseum in 1980 and practically being thrown from my seat by the sight on Mr. Screen, accompanied by one of the most gripping pieces of music in the intro to "What Shall We Do Now?" Certainly one Pink Floyd visual I will never forget. "
Tonight – thanks to Roxilla I have learnt that Clockwork Orange is on SABC tonight! Joy, joy and bliss. Everything is working nicely for me in the world of television; the provider of ultimate distraction and mind numbing entertainment!
We're just two lost souls
swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year....
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.”
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
I woke up this morning feeling very misplaced and terrified. I have had a day of wanting to crouch down on my knees and just howl and some singular moments of intense productivity. The very worst feeling is looking forward to speaking to him and telling about what I have been doing! Those conversations, the daily phone call. I keep forgetting.
Tonight I am reading and having a five hour bath.
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Tonight I am going to bed alone – I need to do this for myself. I need to respect myself and acknowledge that he cannot love me. He has brought out the very worst in me. He has made me forget who I am. He has persuaded me to accept an unacceptable way of living and fed my insecurities. I have tried, I have spent years defending his nature and I have respected the difficulties he deals with in business. I have accepted his unavailability and have suffered his endless absence on special occasions. I have dealt with spending the majority of time alone and being a guest of one.
I have tried to hurt him back – I have said some terrible things – it only hurt me more. He is no longer important, I don’t care what he thinks or how he feels. This is about me now.
Now to execute my plan: what do I pack? When do I pack? It is important not to see him.
It is also important to not think about the future, I need to just focus on today and tonight and leaving him.
Monday, 21 July 2008
Monday – the one constant and reliable aspect about life is Mondays inevitably always comes around again. It reminds you of the life you are now living, the fact that you have to go to work to pay bills and if you don’t enjoy your job that you are solely responsible for 80% of your life being miserable! (In my boredom I actually calculated that if you work 10 hours a day, Monday to Friday (including traffic as so on) and if you are wake at 7am and in bed by 10pm over a four week period – you are actually working 48% of your awake time! It is far less than I previously imagined – a tiny pin prick of light in this otherwise dark and cold Monday pit of hell)
Highlight of this weekend was watching a young Nicholas Cage (As Sailor) in one of best movie scenes ever!
“This snakeskin jacket symbolizes my individuality and belief in personal freedom."
Unfortunately I feel asleep soon after – I don’t actually think I have ever seen the end of this movie, after watching it for like the sixth time! David Lynch is unbelievable – a definite contender for one of my guests at the ideal dinner party –although I am sure his conversation is tantamount to ingesting large amounts of acid!
I have just done some reading of Mr Lynch on the ever fantastic Wikipedia and finally my face cracked into the first smile of the day:
Some interesting facts:
-His first short film Six Men Getting Sick (1966), which he described as "57 seconds of growth and fire, and three seconds of vomit."
-He won a $5,000 grant from the American Film Institute to produce The Grandmother, about a neglected boy who “grows” a grandmother from a seed.
Consequentially I am thinking about the growing procedure required for growing a man from seed – like what would the instructions be on the seed packet? How deeply would you plant your seed? I would imagine there would be a significant amount of pruning involved and dead-heading. Would you plant your seed in the full sun?
For a Man who is sensitive and nurturing – water often and protect the soil by using mulch in the winter months.
Thank God for Bizarre people!
Friday, 18 July 2008
Happy Birthday Mandela!
Thursday, 17 July 2008
1. I haven't stopped studying since high school. I got a BA degree, tried for two years to get an honours in Psychology and English - decided it wasn't for me and have since being trying to obtain a BCOM.
2. I used to have a thing for piercings - I had my nose, lip, eyebrow, belly button and tongue pierced - I still have the scars which I hope to get rid of some day!
3. I used to have a boyfriend who cheated on me endlessly and I never broke up with him until I decided I had enough - I stayed with him for almost six years.
4. My first real job was working as a rep selling whiskey.
5. I was once told I was a 'dummie' when it came to High School maths and now I compile statistical reports for a living.
6. I own a pair of thigh high stiletto boots, two long pvc dresses covered with buckles, a green and purple wig, a vast number of corsets and three dog collars - one with spikes - I pray for the day I am invited to a fancy dress party!
7. I have always had a suspicion that I am slightly dyslexic.
Okay Sunrise- your turn!
We had dinner at the Codfather – where we were totally fleeced – fine it is Camps bay – it is as pretentious as all hell – but regardless – being fleeced is being fleeced – “For our first timers we strongly recommend the fish platter" – How unbelievably stupid of us – over R700 and we brought our own wine!
I wish I was there now!
The good, the bad and the ugly:
Good: New job prospect – slight glimmer of hope…
The ugly: Had an inspector check the house before we put in an offer – the damn house is rotten to the core – built below the flood line, with illegal drainage and a precarious box gutter – we would have to live with damp for the rest of our lives!!
Another dream blown to smithereens!
Friday, 11 July 2008
I am so excited - the sun is shining and the holy, precious, delectable, delicious cherry on the top is having Monday off!
I just don't know what to do with myself!
I need to organise a couple of things and I need to do a shopping list – actually there is an overwhelming amount of sensible things I need to take care of – but right now and at this very moment I want to sit at cocktail bar – preferably facing the ocean with one of those overwhelming large ‘over the top’ ‘blue tie’ dressed cocktails laced with gin!
Thursday, 10 July 2008
Stretching finances – two days to go…
Wearing one day contact lenses for a week.
Charging cell phone and camera at work.
Staying away from all shopping centres – actually anywhere with a till.
Staying inside the car at the petrol station (pretty much same point as above).
Refusing to tip Car guards unless they perform some kind of function which improves my life and parking experience.
Sample bottles of Clarins face products.
Collecting and keeping unused packets of tomato sauce from take-aways.
Creating dinner from whatever is in the cupboard – a tin of mussles and stale provita’s / A tin of beans and stale provita’s / Tomato sauce and two minute noodles.
Not exceeding speed limit of 120km’s – I am not entirely sure but I think this saves on gas.
Just don’t drive anywhere unless it is absolutely necessary and keep the windows closed.
Taking home tea bags from work.
Only having one light switched on at night – which is so easy in our minuscule cell – maybe I should change that to: Using only one candle at night.
These are dark times indeed!
Wednesday, 09 July 2008
I have an exciting long weekend to plan for – hopefully I can inspire some life into my man so we can wake up on Monday morning in a gorgeous hotel overlooking the sea. I am longing for some sea air and some luxury. The winter specials are incredible here. For one night you can pretend to be a millionaire at half the price.
Even this entry is starting to seem quite grey – Come on sunshine – enough is enough!
except the constant, looping clicks and caws
of birds, lost in trees erased by white.
My sight condensed
by each fresh, foggy breath,
a hanging depth
my head sinks through.
but mulching steps,
the soft snap of twigs long soaking,
the sticky sound
of car tire on wet road.
I am drenched
by a sudden gang-up of water,
a brief yawn of thunder far away.
There is nothing here
and I am all wet."
Tuesday, 08 July 2008
I just had to endure some snot faced dweeb reminding me of my deadline – Oh the joy of standing up next to him, looking down on his slightly balding head and proceeding to lift my office chair and swipe it across his backside, to then pour the remains of my Rooibos tea over his head and finally to thank him kindly for making my day while the heel of my boot rests on his pot bellied gut!
ca·thar·sis (kə-thär'sĭs) n. pl. ca·thar·ses (-sēz)
1. A purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions, especially pity and fear, described by Aristotle as an effect of tragic drama on its audience.
2. A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit.
A technique used to relieve tension and anxiety by bringing repressed feelings and fears to consciousness.
The therapeutic result of this process; abreaction.
The rain is making me slightly crazy, last night there was thunder and lightning which was really exciting, I have been missing the Joburg thunderstorms, but last night I got my fill.
Our flat is overflowing with dirty dishes, clothes that won’t dry and empty bottles of wine – we are both feeling the hell of living in such a confined space more and more everyday! We will hopefully be putting an offer to purchase in a couple of weeks – which means we will be out of the barracks by November. I am turning 30 in November. Oh Hell – I am turning 30 in November! I was just about to write about all the things I need to accept wont be happening in my lifetime – but I have a couple of months left of living in a 20 something blissful state of denial and idealism. Let’s just hold onto that for a while longer! Holy shit – I am turning 30 in November – this is the last time I think about it until November!
As long as we are moving forward and not stagnating I think our relationship stands a chance! It is so exciting talking about all the things we will do at home – like having dinner parties and finally another TV in another room! I won’t get yelled at for watching Eastenders and criticised for my love of cheesy reality programs, I started to cringe every time he said in his cold, disgusted tone of voice: “This is SHIT, what is this?”
Having a kitchen, a garden and a BATH! I am so deprived of life’s finer things – I can’t wait to get a home!!!
Back to the grindstone and to start plotting revenge on the moronic banana in the office!
Friday, 04 July 2008
I hate being back here – I have sat and stared at my computer the whole morning saying very little to anyone – I am not interested in trivial chit chat right now!
When I think of all the glorious things I could be doing right now - well actually thinking about lying on the couch with a book and a beer is pretty much the be all and end all of my limited fantasy right now! Not exactly shooting for the moon.
I may adjust my attitude next week…
These are soo funny