Friday, 23 May 2008

Ashamed of South Africa

What is going on in JHB is horribly unacceptable! There is one thing I know for sure, the people doing this are the criminals of our country - the bastards that don't think twice before raping and killing and destroying lives. What kind of human being sets another person on fire after hitting them with planks of nails! It makes me sick, sick to my very core! After everything we have been through...Why are we now deep, dark, Africa once again?? An uncivilized nation with inhumane actions! There is no excuse, no rhyme nor reason to inflict such hatred, violence and savagery on people!

From news 24
'I expect them to kill my son'
20/05/2008 08:37 - (SA)
Mbeki slams 'shameful' attacks
'They can't stop us'
CT plans for xenophobic attacks
'War zone' toll rises to 22
'It is bad here'
SA shocked by wave of violence
'Attacks are very un-African'
Bishop: 'This is war'
Lauren Thys, Beeld
Germiston - "They cut up my brother's legs and stabbed him to death.Then they set his hut alight and his little boy burnt to death."

This was the story told by a 45-year-old from Mozambique, who had tears in his eyes as he spoke of the xenophobic attacks which last weekend spread to Dikathole, an informal settlement near Germiston.

He had to leave behind his South African wife and four-year-old son when he fled and hid in a dustbin for two hours.

"They began shooting at about 21:30 (on Saturday night) and set fire to everything. My neighbours came to tell me I had to flee because they were killing foreigners."
The man spoke to Beeld on condition of anonymity.
He was currently sleeping in his employer's garage.
People bussed in
He saw several people being burnt and told how others were stabbed with knives.
"They don't ask questions. They just throw bricks through windows and set people's houses on fire.
"I'm scared. I expect them to kill my son tonight or tomorrow night.
"And I can't go back because they're threatening to kill me."
He didn't think local people were responsible for the violence.
"People came in busses from Ramaphosa (an informal settlement near Boksburg) and carried the shebeens' freezers outside. When they were drunk they began shooting and throwing rocks."
He has been working in South Africa for 18 years and doesn?t feel guilty that foreigners live and work in South Africa.
"The people say we're stealing their work but if they really want to work, they must go out and look for work. The people here see that we foreigners can work hard."
In spite of his fugitive existence - he saw his wife briefly every evening in an open piece of veld - he wouldn't go back to Mozambique.
"I love this country. I know I could lose everything but I pray that I will be able to have a future here.
"I still have my health and my hands so I can still work. If I were in Maputo, I would have to sleep in a graveyard next to someone I didn't know but here it is nice to be able to give my family a future."

Early morning consideration

I have turned into a night owl! At midnight my genius level soars. It is terrible; I don’t know how I will cope going back into 6am work mode! It has been an incredibly emotional week. Our relationship is seriously damaged and it is something we both fully acknowledge. There were tears at the Dros – of all places. Manchester United supporters crying with joy and there I was, crying because I cannot pretend to be okay anymore. I actually couldn’t control myself – tears in my steak roll and bar staff looking strangely in my direction! It is such a strange time of my life, being on the verge of understanding who I am and then suddenly faced with fears of failure. I don’t think there is anything worse in life than thoughts of not being loved by someone you are prepared to give your life to. To make matters worse my thoughts have suddenly been with my ex boyfriend and the hectic, intense, all consuming and destructive relationship we had. I basically grew up with him. He was my first bad boy crush and somehow it lasted almost six years. I suddenly need to speak to him; it is like I need to look at myself through someone else’s eyes. Someone who knew me when I was headstrong and insanely brave. Someone who knew the girl who wouldn’t take shit, who dyed her hair pink and headbanged! I am drowning in all this stuff with my man, I think I have lost myself somewhere.
There is so much I love about life, but I am struggling. I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other. I am struggling to acknowledge who I am and what I want!

It is good to write!

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
Anais Nin

Wednesday, 14 May 2008

I am sorry

It has been a week of silence, then of fighting and finally exploding into one nasty, mean and soul destroying argument! We aren’t good, he is miserable I hope we can get through this!
When I feel hurt I have the tongue of a serpent – I turn into the devil incarnate! I don’t mean all the things I say – and I think I just reach a point of no return. He doesn’t say anything back which allows me to carry on – relentlessly, shamefully. His anger reaches the forefront the following day and then he is not at all shy to let me know exactly what he thinks of my behaviour.
I found these really lovely words by Barbara Sher. I hope he can understand.

People have to face regrets. Becoming mature means learning to accept what you cannot change, facing unresolved sorrows and learning to love life as it really happens, not as you would have it happen. When someone attaches unkindness to criticism, she's angry. Angry people need to criticize as an outlet for their anger. That's why you must reject unkind criticism. Unkind criticism is never part of a meaningful critique of you. Its purpose is not to teach or to help, its purpose is to punish. Life isn't supposed to be an all or nothing battle between misery and bliss. Life isn't supposed to be a battle at all. And when it comes to happiness, well, sometimes life is just okay, sometimes it's comfortable, sometimes wonderful, sometimes boring, sometimes unpleasant. When your day's not perfect, it's not a failure or a terrible loss. It's just another day.”
Barbara Sher

Thankfully I have the rest of this week and next week off for study leave. I am just hoping and praying that he can let go of his anger and we can find some peace with each other.

Friday, 09 May 2008

Loving it!

The Lovely Franschhoek

Loving the city today, loving the mist and fog and dreariness of it all, loving the coffee, loving the fact that it is Friday and I go on study leave again on Wednesday!

The last two exams were awful! awful, awful, awful! Yesterday I just went blank. I hate it when they try and trick you using similar phrases with one tiny, grayish area of difference – I don’t understand the point – it is like HaHaHa we got you!! Well they are over and my newly discovered commitment to let the past stay in the damn past – prevents me from dwelling.

The dreaded past…

My man told me last night he cannot forget the past – he feels that an accumulation of all our arguments have left him bitter. I want to scream. I don’t want a man with issues of stagnating, emotional baggage. I had always believed that since he was so much older than me, he would have his shit sorted out – I thought finally a man with maturity calmness, someone to learn from, someone who will manage to control my sometimes uncontrollable passions and rage! I am a fiery person – I am a Scorpio!! How did this happen? Am I supposed to help him out of his emotional bitterness? Isn't this something he needs to deal with? Or am I being selfish? I just find it all too petty, even kind of foolish. Let it go mister, let’s move forward, lets laugh and be happy! Best I not judge – but he is making me suffer – I am so intimate with this problem, I am so emotionally drained by the implications, that I cannot possibly have a rational understanding or a clear solution – I suppose right now I am just utterly baffled – and hurt and angry – he regards me with such contempt while trying to love me at the same time – who knew the troubled waters inside his heart! I just don’t know – I know that what he has said leaves us in no man’s land – there’s no where to go – nothing good can develop. I will just withdraw from him – he will pretend everything is normal and then after a while he too will stop talking – I will do a lot of crying, feeling rejected and hurt, maybe leave him some letters in an attempt to make him understand that I too have deep and intense feelings of frustration. Letters appealing to him to know me, to listen to me, to respect the women I have become. Eventually we will start talking again and for weeks no mention will be made of the current situation, life will be merry again, until the dreaded moment when I actually express the desire to feel loved, the desire for some semblance of a normal relationship!!!

There is just too much going on right now! With my exams, work, the possibility of applying for a new job, the shaky financial situation. Then trying to swallow down the craving to go shopping and blow thousands on boots, blazers, Clarins, a cashmere jersey and some of those socks with toes. The irresistible urge to spend this weekend at a Spa, dressed in a white fluffy robe having manicures and facials all day long and drinking myself onto another planet with the assistance of Champagne! To forget who I am! To hell with responsibilities to hell with everything –hell in a handbag!

Well at least I can love the weather today!

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Emily Dickinson

Tuesday, 06 May 2008

Less than 7 hours to go!!!!

I am an idiot really! I am sitting here calmly, drinking my tea and enjoying the sound of wind and rain outside - in less than 7 hours I write my first exam! I know less than 50% of the work and even that is shaky, yet I am sitting here writing on my blog and checking facebook! I am the biggest idiot...
My house has never been cleaner and the devil queen of procrastination is smugly and victoriously sitting on my head!
Shit - damn - oh hell!!!!

(I just so love this time of night / morning)