Monday, 31 March 2008

March Madness

I have one hectic month of studying! I am writing six exams, it is the most ambitious exam schedule I am attempting since my BA. I can do it if I stay focused. If I can study a little bit every day. It will involve sacrifices. The diet might suffer and I might have to go back to the dangerous cocktail of coffee and red bull - whatever it takes! I must pass all these exams. I am now officially broke from paying my study fees. I must pass all these exams!

I cant believe this will be the last post for March - What a month of highs and lows.

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Well been damn useless again today. Had an awful night’s sleep, tossing and turning, hot and cold. Today I sat weeping for a while in front on my computer screen. Feeling awfully sorry for myself and really quite pathetic! I am sure tomorrow will be better.

The eternal optimist in the face of all adversity.

She will go through the motions in her yoga class today and when the high has died down, she will find herself on the long dark highway on the way home. The house will be dark as she walks in, smelling of old cigarette smoke and a couple of dirty mugs will be lying in the sink. Then the routine of showering and sitting on her old couch having cigarette after cigarette. She will contemplate reaching out to someone, she will even contemplate phoning her man with the stupid hope that he will finish work early. Eventually the sound of ice and whiskey. Late at night hopefully she will be in her desired comatose sleep.

The eternal optimist in the face of all adversity.

"Macbeth does murder sleep, the innocent sleep,Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleeve of care,The death of each day's life, sore labor's bath,Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,Chief nourisher in life's feast" (2.2.35-39).

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Sometimes I really search and search for something inspirational. Not cheesy, not the ‘believe in yourself’ rubbish. Just some words, a photograph, something to tell me life is wonderful. On days like today I almost feel desperate. I just want to go outside myself and feel moved, encouraged and hopeful. I search and search on the web, on people’s faces, their actions their smiles. It is very difficult to dig yourself out of the ‘feeling sad and lonely’ pit. I know, you are supposed to dust yourself off and pick yourself up, but when those thoughts are hovering like a cloud, when doubt and anxieties surface, I find it difficult, extremely difficult to not want to just give up. I am a sleeper when depressed; I can sleep all day and night. The wish for sleep right now is almost overpowering. I don’t want to make any sensible life changing decisions. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to be hopeful and optimistic. I don’t want to pick myself up and walk tall. I want to slouch, frown, walk slowly and then sleep! I really hope I feel better tomorrow; maybe all I need is a good night’s sleep!

Man can only endure a certain degree of unhappiness; what is beyond that either annihilates him or passes by him and leaves him apathetic
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.”

Easter Weekend

It was a lovely week. I raced to the airport after work on Wednesday, it was with great joy that I greeted my parents, the weather was lovely and there was a great amount of excitement about how easy the trip was from Lanseria to CT. After the home inspection and a couple of whiskies we headed to Moyo at Spier – I knew they would love it. The face painting, the dancing, the bonfires and the countless number of Japanese tourists clicking away. My God it was expensive and the food was bloody inedible. Awful chunks of meet, burnt on the outside and cold on the inside. But at least there was wine, and a lovely atmosphere. My Dad’s Scottish accent went a long way to ensure hospitable service!
The next day we went to Hudson’s for a fantastic breakfast with the most amazing scenery and gardens. I was greedy, opting for a huge plate of eggs and bacon and loads of homemade, gorgeously sinful bread. Then Ernie Els winery was blessed with our presence and my favourite tasting room high in the mountains- Uva Mira. It was hot the sun was shining, the wine was fantastic! That night it was Sushi, followed by drinks at the Farm.
The next day was a mad panic to go shopping, pack a picnic, pack ice and wine and head to the beach, in all my hard headed determination to find the perfect beach I kept driving, pasted Gordon’s Bay, kept driving until Pringle Bay, 30km’s away – my Dad was not impressed, of course he is a make hay while the sun shines kind of man, so shopping packing and driving for an hour was an incredibly stupid thing to do on such a lovely day. Pringle Bay ended up being lovely and deserted with its white sand and wild waves. We had a lovely sheltered spot among the dunes. The drive home was beautiful; we stopped at Berties for G&T’s and chips and watched the sun set. What a lovely, lazy day. I love coming home with beach sand on my feet!
Saturday was all EastEnders and the height of laziness. Sunday was the big Easter lunch with cousins, children and the big Easter egg hunt. – We Drank JC Le Roux Scintilla which was amazing and ended with Vin De Constance. The duck march was a big hit with the kids and adults alike. A fabulous boozy lunch!

Monday was another a beach day unfortunately not too pleasant as the wind was relentless and brutal. Sand in the hair, sand on the chicken wings and sand in our glasses. The drive home was a disaster; I behaved terribly by loosing my temper and driving like a fool, all because my Dad and I argued over the directions home. That evening was a classy dinner at Taste with my man – finally spending time with us.
Yesterday we had lunch at Bodega, a chocolate and wine tasting at Waterford. This time yesterday I was eating home made chicken liver and drinking Chenin Blanc overlooking the Helderburg. How fucking depressing is that??

I do love my parents, even when my Dad and I are butting heads at every available opportunity; I so love them and respect them. They are such good people. I am always consumed by guilt because I don’t make them as happy as I should, because I tend to be selfish. But mostly I feel guilty because I am living a life they dont’t want me to live, I am living a life I had always promised myself I wouldn’t live. I am guilty because they have always been proud of my intellect and now I seem to be doing something stupid. I am guilty and remorseful because the man that is supposed to become their son-in–law doesn’t treat them with the respect and admiration they deserve, because he finds it impossible to swallow some of his pride and give a little, open up and speak honestly. He couldn’t see pasted his obstinacy to just offer some words of reassurance. Because of this man I have failed in the life that my parents have always wanted for me. I am so dreading going home to an empty flat tonight. No more sounds of coffee making and Sky News. No more miraculous disappearance of dirty dishes, no more smells of the most unbelievable food on the stove, somehow made with all the odd bits of ingredients I have all over the place! I just want to sit on my couch and weep! I am a complete waste of time today.

Gloom and Doom - Back to work

I just dropped my parents at the airport – I feel heart broken. I miss my family, I am going to miss the dynamic you can only have with those you love completely. I have such a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wish I was going back home with them. I dont know how I am going to face the day!

Friday, 14 March 2008

Last minute sprint

This morning I am listing!

I even need a list of lists;

Things I need to do today for work
Things I need to get done before I go on leave
Personal things I need to do while at work
A shopping list
A list of things to do before my parents arrive
A list of things to do / places to see and restaurant reservations I need to make

Then finally I need to create an assignment schedule for tonight and tomorrow as the deadlines have arrived. I have been dragging my textbooks to work the entire week, I even booked a ‘lunch hour’ in my calendar everyday and still the book hasn’t been opened!

First I need to go for a smoke – then it is organisation all the way!


Thursday, 13 March 2008

Jade white lightning
A sudden tormented burst of pain
His skin crawling with deceit, slow trickle of reality
She gazes at him.
Wide eyed and breathless
Extraneous mumbling breaks the moment.
Her voice fluid and dying in the air
Quickened thundering, hope struggling
Love, a storm of tiny broken shards

Lady you are off your head.

Feeling a wee bit hung-over this morning. I decided to make roasted parsnip soup for dinner. The act of chopping vegetables never feels quite right unless you have a glass of Chardonnay in your hands. I also wrote my man a six page letter, expressing my frustrations. (The letter was nowhere to be found this morning which I find quite disturbing, I like to re-read such letters and assess the damage)So far I have tripped in front of my boss’s desk, left my keys in Kauai, had two panado’s, one Berocca effervescent, one Rooibos tea and waffled down an egg and grilled chicken wrap. I wish the wind would blow this grogginess away!
Only four working days to go until I am on leave. I cant wait, I hope the sun the shines and the wind stays away, I hope the beaches aren’t too crowded. I am so looking forward to dragging my folks all over Cape Town. I am so looking forward to a picnic on the beach! This will be my first holiday in Cape Town. I am lucky enough to live here; to not have to get on a plane and go to the sea is just marvellous!

It is yoga tonight – so an early night for me!

Wednesday, 12 March 2008

Behind the wheel

R600 for a battery. Last month it was R1200 for a new radiator. My poor old car, her days are dwindling. I did however score a free credit card size calendar; you can never have enough of those! This morning some arsehole tried to drive me off the road. It was a vengeful taxi driver who hated the fact that I pulled in front of him as the bus lane finished. He actually tried to push me off the road at hospital bend, his engine sounded like it was pulling from every available resource and not enjoying the party. He then made a point of driving in front of me, gaining speed then hitting his breaks. What a miserable bloody bastard. I am sure he started his day feeling like some great royal prick! I wrote down his license plate number in case I actually got injured by the stupid, low class, psycho, macho (behind the wheel) man.
I also got stuck right in the middle of a march about Palestine on my way back from purchasing my battery – the most unsatisfying ‘retail’ purchase since the radiator!

Today has been long, I am glad it is Thursday tomorrow and I am glad I have sweet bugger all nothing to do tonight!

Tuesday, 11 March 2008

Money going up in smoke

I am not good with money, all I know is you need to have as little debt as possible! I achieved the impossible by paying off my credit card, now I use it all the time and have the full amount owing deducted at the end of the month. In the beginning I was thrilled with the result. No transaction fees and no debt – now I am slowly realising I am spending way beyond my means. It is time to be thrifty! Cigarettes are the killer – it is a daily expense, today I am rationing seven cigarettes to last me for the day. Even thinking about it makes me what to go outside for a puff immediately. How did I allow myself to become such a slave to this addiction? I have contemplated various methods for quitting. One that was temporarily appealing to me was the Alan Carr Easy Way clinic. I phoned and made enquiries, but what really put me off was the incessant requests for their money to be paid – warning me I would loose my place. I hate that. It was also quite a substantial amount of money they demanded and what really pissed me off was the only day that they have the clinic is on a Friday. I am sure there is a good reason, however I am a fan of word of mouth and I haven’t unfortunately heard much praise for this method. My next endeavour is to research hypnosis. I think it may just work. It will be wonderful to give up smoking! I am almost 30 – I promised myself in high school I would quit when I turned 20. Ten years later and I can’t drive for five minutes without knowing a have at least two ciggies available. So here I am wondering how I am going to get through the rest of the month paying for petrol and cigarettes. How utterly pathetic!

If I had money right now my wish list is simple;
A new Car- preferably something sleek and black
PVR decoder
Designer white and /or Pinstripe suit
Pair of designer jeans
A bottle of Bombay Sapphire Gin
A weekend in a Spa overlooking the sea wearing a large white fluffy robe
Laser eye surgery

That’s all

Monday, 10 March 2008

Monday Blah Blah

I feel decidedly blah this morning! Completely uninspired. Of course it is a Monday and I didn’t accomplish any one of my goals this weekend, apart from consuming a rather disappointing bottle Pinot Noir. I rearranged the flat to create a friendlier studying environment and a more live able guest room for my parents visit. I had a break down on Saturday night and found myself sitting alone at a restaurant drowning in tourists. There I sat in my long white dress – feeling like the most wretched lady on the planet. A Jagermeister later and I was at home head banging to Nick Cave.

I have a huge amount of work to get through today; I am reluctant to even open the file. Last night’s movie ‘The Last King of Scotland’ resulted in a heated debate with my man on the future of this country under Zuma. He is hopeful, I am terrified! The violence, the awful bloody crime it has just got too much, it is everywhere. Reading the newspapers – David Bullard has just had enough, I understand. Then the phone rings, my brother’s friend had a show day to sell their house. The bastards came in and stole their laptop. (“It could have been worse” our new National Anthem) Then this movie – Deep, dark, bloody and depressing.

Anyway the man is hopeful; he thinks JZ will save the day! He believes our present chaos is a result of the Mbeki and his cronies! Makes sense…what do I know…what does anyone know for certain, how do you separate what you know from what you have been brainwashed to believe.

Best I get on with it.

Friday, 07 March 2008

It is Friday – anything is possible!

My day started with a double shot large Italian Cappuccino. A treat to accomplishing a week of early nights sleep, good Thai food, body enhancing yoga (I already feel stronger and lighter and strangely enough taller!) and seven out of eleven items crossed of my to do list at work! Suddenly I feel so very Cape Tonian! The Woolworths Coffee shop is frequented by such beautiful people. Delicious looking men in dark suits, attractive tall women in flowing dresses – This morning I love the City and the large organic coffee that comes with it!

It is just a pity about the slow witted, juvenile cemented feet that I have to work with! I think the greatest shame in life MUST be born without any hint of charisma whatsoever- to have a personality as exciting as skim milk. As hard as I try to evoke some hint of enthusiasm as much as I try to promote an awareness of possibilities - I am greeted with blank faces, downward cast eyes of disapproval – suspicion – “Please don’t change our world, it is the only world we have ever known, we are safe in the monotony!” BLAH Congratulations to the machine for creating such loyal followers!

It is Friday – I am wearing red – I am determined to take control – I am determined to go home drink a bottle of Pinot Noir and listen to Led Zeppelin. I need to start studying, I have brought more stationary than even I could possibly need – the text books are new and unopened and assignment deadlines are looming.

I know it is possibly sad that I am looking forward to a weekend alone and studying – but I am – Right now I am a content freak!

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.”
Oscar Wilde

Thursday, 06 March 2008

Tears of rage in the traffic. Such a beautiful day - how I long for peace of mind. This man is driving me crazy. I think it is so easy to loose yourself in a relationship. Somehow it invades every aspect of your life, no matter how hard you try to keep it at home! I never wanted this - call me old fashioned - I never wanted to get stuck in a mundane domestic routine with the love of my life - I never wanted to live with him as his girlfriend. It has become almost toxic. It is so sad - I cant live without romance and spontaneity. I am sooooo sick of angry words, desperate pleas to hear me....

Yoga in an hours time - I want my worries to pour out my body, I want to sleep dreamlessly!

Monday, 03 March 2008

Paul Cluver - Wine and music in the forest!

Wow, what a surprising Friday night! We had no idea what to expect - I was definitely wearing the wrong outfit, jeans would of been far more fitting. It was like this awesome music concert in the forest. Picnic baskets, apple trees and incredible wines, then the most amazing sunset - The Cluver family are amazing! What a wonderfully surprising beautiful place to be on a Friday night!

Nestling in a towering eucalyptus forest, the open-air Paul Cluver Forest Amphitheatre provides a unique natural venue for performances ranging from revues, classic and contemporary musical performances, to live theatre. The adjoining picnic area offers a tranquil setting for a pre-performance meal complemented by Paul Cluver wines. Bring or book a picnic, and enjoy the evening. This brilliant band has travelled a long and hugely successful road since its inception in 1998. From playing in clubs the size of a shoebox in Johannesburg to sell-out international shows and television audiences of World Cup proportions, Watershed has paved a path that is worthy of reverence, with chemistry and magic as addictive as their melodies.

Where: Paul Cluver De Rust Estate, N2, Grabouw