Friday, 29 February 2008

The Day I began Yoga!

It has been a wonderfully productive, enlightening, healthy and successful week!
I started Yoga on Tuesday and have decided this is something I want to commit to for as long as possible. It is wonderful to feel my body working and getting stronger, moving in ways I haven’t moved since my grade school ballet days. I love how stiff my legs feel today after last night’s second gruelling session. Twice a week, two hours of goodness a week. What a wonderful find! There is no craving a glass of wine once I am home and I slept like a baby!
At work I seem to finally be finding my niche in this little community. Even though there are those who probably wish I wasn’t here, stirring up the status quo, introducing the most frightening concept of change! Challenging antiquated systems and refusing to be ignored. I have suffered much defeat, but slowly victories are coming my way!
I also started this week with a drastically new hair style. After 29 years of having long, unruly masses of long hair, I now have layers and sleek shoulder length hair – I love it!! It has given me the change I so badly needed!
It is Friday! Drinks after work, shopping for the Yoga gear tomorrow. Life is good!

Friday, 22 February 2008

R.I.P. Ashley Callie

You really were lovely, on and off screen! I remember meeting you for the first time, almost six years ago. You told me I had lovely hair - I was so shy all I could say was thank you. You had a dazzling smile! I am so so sorry for the man who loved you - he looks lost.I am sorry we will never meet again. It is a terrible loss. So young and beautiful. Rest in Peace!

Thursday, 14 February 2008

Black, black, black...

How are you supposed to feel…?

When the day has pasted by without a phone call from your boyfriend of seven years?
When the question of the day is – so what did your boyfriend do for you today? What are you doing tonight?
When you can’t look away from bunches of roses being delivered to the office – because roses are after all your favourite flowers.
When you imagine how it would feel to be surprised by him…the happiness and joy that would fill your heart by the gesture…
When your colleague slowly disappears from behind the enormous heart covered teddy bears and larger than life sunflowers?
When you know that you’ll go home to an empty house and the end of yet another successive disappointing Valentines Day because you have a boyfriend that buys chocolates for his customers and romances his business?

The inevitable result; maybe tears at midnight, maybe a glass / bottle to drown the pair and subdue the anger, the anger that will unfortunately start to boil away under my layers in the days to come.

I used to loathe Valentines Day, painted all my roses black. But these are the most important moments of our lives, the foundation on which we are building our future. I have been as understanding as humanly possible in the circumstances. I am so sick of self pity – but this is really too much to swallow gracefully.

How the hell am I supposed to feel??????

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Emily Williams – A heart wrenching tragedy

I can just imagine the bustle in the house, alarm clocks going off, tunics and blazers been thrown on, the excited chatter, maybe some arguments. A 12 year girl in her school uniform, homework packed, lunch packed, books packed, getting into her Mom’s car, wondering what will happen today in school…I am so sorry.

I am so heartbroken about the loss of this young little lady. My tears of sympathy are nothing compared to what her Mother, Father and sister are going to be dealing with for the rest of their lives.
There can be no reason for this, there is nothing to understand. Comprehension is impossible.
I can remember being 12; I still have my journal entries. Life was so exciting; every day at school was thrilling. You have your friends, you start becoming obsessed with boys, and your teachers are larger than life. When I was 12, Mandela was being released from prison. Everything was uncertain. People feared the unknown. That was the time of bomb threats, huddled on the school field – loving the distraction. Because at 12 the country’s political climate is nowhere close to your list of priorities and events of high significance. I think I wrote two lines about Mandela, the Yes vote and a vague reference to not wanting to leave the country because I had made so many new friends!

Why? Why now? Why an innocent girl on her way too school. Are our policing systems such a joke – is robbing us and killing us so damn easy that you commit your crimes in the daylight. When normal working class people get up, kids get dressed for school; we have breakfast, then sit in the traffic and work for nine hours. At this time, you are taking everything away from us, our belongings we work so hard for, the lives you take, and you rob our country of the lives that will potentially make this country proud and healthy and free. You fuckers, you fucking criminal, murdering bastards!

Emily Williams I am so sorry for all the things that were so important to you, I am so sorry your 12 year old dreams will never be fulfilled. I am so sorry your Mom and Dad will never be the same, I am so sorry your sister will be haunted by what she saw. I am so sorry for the dark cloud of anger, confusion and absolute devastation that will cloak your lovely young family.

I am so sorry Emily.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

A Slow Trickle of Contentment

Gosh I have struggled to break the February Ice on my blog!
Well my clean month has had a couple of failings. Friday proved too difficult - I felt so good and proud of the clean week I had, I needed to celebrate with a glass of wine!! Saturday was no good nor was Sunday! 8 days out of 11 isn’t too bad! The mission continues in earnest today!
The rain was so lovely over the last couple of days and today is just gorgeous. I hope this city stays like this for a while – it is easier to feel optimistic about life!!

What a truly wonderful book!!

It has been such a long time that I have read a book that has made me laugh and cry. I actually fell in love with this book - it was written for me!! I dont usually go for books that are all sensational and hollywoodified, but this was really lovely! The search for happiness...sit in silence and Really lovely and pretty much about everything I hope for in life. I even wrote out my favourite passages. Some parts have even scared me, loving a man for his highest potential rather than loving him for who he is! How we see ourselves, the joy in realising you are exactly the way you are supposed to be. Peace. Balance.

Now I am hungry for more...I think I am going to go on another search for a yoga class in the winelands...

Tuesday, 05 February 2008

Murder Most Foul

In so many ways I wish I hadn’t watched it. What a hectic documentary. Those poor boys - my heart breaks! I feel ashamed to have allowed myself to be lulled into a period of denial. Wasn’t I supposed to think for myself? Do I not regard myself as intelligent, capable of reasoning and reading between the lines. How did it happen? One minute I was ranting and raving about the hell we have to live with on a daily basis, then I was persuaded it is not all that bad, be proudly South African! We won the rugby, I even brought a rugy shirt and sang the anthem.Spent some lovely days on the beach, carried on wearing blinkers and forgot!

The stress and fear that lies in waiting at the back of our minds. How when something triggers that fear, we draw on it immediately. Waiting for someone to arrive, Waiting for your gates to open at the bottom of the driveway. Focussing on getting your key in the car door as quickly as possible, inevitably shaking and taking longer than normal. The sudden flood of fear when you realise you have stopped too close to the car in front of you and there is another car right up your back side, watching all mirrors at once. In your fear you visualise what he will look like, how it will happen, you think of as many escape routes as possible, all these survival a space of a few minutes before the lights go green...We drive away and fear returns once again to his easily assessable home in your mind.

What we live with is unacceptable! How did we suddenly stop talking about it - dumb ass Safety and Security Minister Charles Nqakula -you freakin asswhole! I am glad your speech and stupid words are going around the world - they can whinge until they are blue in the face!!! Asswhole!!

There is a sickness here. What these people are doing to babies, children, women. The vilest acts of humiliation, rape and brutality. Happening EVERYDAY!!
Poverty, apartheid, the most disgusting street drug, gangsters and cheap disposable lives of human beings. Whatever the reason...this cannot be acceptable.

It is the South African Tragedy, it is not a very good way to live!

Please God keep all those I love safe!