Wednesday, 30 January 2008
There are two problems which have already surfaced in regards to my 1st of Feb declaration.
1.The postponement of getting together with old friends for drinks, because of the car crisis. This is now scheduled for next week.
2.Volunteering to work this Saturday and spend another Monday with my man in the winelands.
What to do...maybe I am just making excuses, maybe this is a test.
January has been tough, I am glad it is almost over. The post holiday blues, the arguments at home, the very miserable days I spent at this desk watching the seconds tick by. Late nights, hellish early mornings. The bitter sweetness of having visitors and then having them leave. Looking for a home, feeling great hope then great despair in the space of a couple of hours.
I have also eaten too much crap this month - it is shocking. Cup cakes, sausage rolls, cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese...
Thursday, 24 January 2008
What I hope to achieve:
- Loose weight!
- Clear headed, the ability to make good decisions.
- To work productively and proactively, achieving as much as possible while I am here.
- To sleep well at night and get to work early in the mornings.
- To sort out my house and organise my stuff!
- To save money.
- To eat well.
- To not feel so down and depressed in the mornings!
- To read more books.
It has been too crazy lately. Christmas, Visitors, wine and brandy tours, Champagne festivals, countless dinners, the purchase of way too much good wine (If there is such a thing) - too much!
This also looks like my only gap.
March - Visitors / Easter
April - Public holiday's
May - ?? Maybe the month to stop smoking....
June - Birthdays, going home - Haarties - G&T's
July, August, September - Winter / fireplaces=Red Wine
October - Start of summer=Champagne, G&T's and cocktails
November - The big one 30
December - Champagne festival, Christmas, visitors, endless dinners
If I can do this - I can do anything...
Thursday, 17 January 2008
There was absolutely nothing on TV last night. It was painful and depressing. I suppose I should be glad I at least had electricity!
Asleep by midnight - nothing even remotely exciting happened.
Today I am completely people shy. I don't want to raise my eyes, I don't want to force a smile and I don't want to know anybody or do anything!
I seem to be retracting further and further into myself. It is safe inside my head.
What kind of person books leave, months in advance, waves goodbye with a flurry of well wishes - have a great time, enjoy, relax - only to come to work the next day to finish something. It would make sense I suppose if you do love your job, it just irks me so badly because this particular person is under some kind of fucked up illusion that she can tell me what to do!
I hate that. I was so looking forward to peace today!!
Wednesday, 16 January 2008
Last night I had my evening schedule neatly written on one of my favourite bright Pink Post-its. The plan was a clean evening, Tea and Rusk’s. Doing three loads of washing and sitting at my laptop with a couple of hours for work and a couple hours on catching up with Journals, FB and the like. I was going to get my clothes ready for today(as I have been dressing like shit lately) I would go to bed early with a cup of tea and read until about 11pm then fall asleep. Wake up early, fresh and ready to work my backside off today!
Sadly my adorned Post-its never left the plastic sleeve.
On the way home I realised that I needed petrol. In keeping with ‘get to work bright and early’ game plan, I knew I had to fill up right there and then. It was a standard request: "Please fill the tank and check the oil and water."
"No problem baby.” Was his reply.
I went into Woollies, got my ‘alternative to wine’ snacks and stocked up on lots of healthy, fat free yogurt for the week. I am encouraged - everything is going along nicely. I got into my car where Mr smooth operator asked me to switch on my engine and then proceeded to pour water into my extremely hot and tired little car. I knew this was weird...I tried to phone my man - as usual no answer... I am fine. I am hearing a bubbling noise, maybe it is the wind. I carry on driving, finally I notice my temperature gauge climbing at quite an alarming rate - I cant stop staring, I forget that I am in fact still driving on a highway. I phoned my man on his work phone and rather nervously told him the about the smooth operators weird antics, he tells me to stop my car - I tried to tell him that I am driving through the sticks - no honest mans land - then my battery went flat.
I crawled to a semi civilized part of the road I switched off the engine - The bubbling noise was sounding furious and frightening.
"Ok, ok stay calm this is rural, the police will come, my man will come – surely."
Getting out the car wasn’t an option, even though I was starting to fear an explosion of some sort - Even though I know sweet bugger all about cars, when the bubbling seemed calmer , I started the car and drove painfully slowly until I could see the familiar dirt road entrance to the farm. I was thrilled to see one of the farm workers,I blurted out my car problems and a my dead cell battery dilemma, asking if I could borrow his - Dumb Ass - not only has the guy never spoken a word of English before in his life, but owning a cell phone is as alien to him as the words I am shouting.
I contemplated leaving my car at the top of the dirt road - snakes and Nine West shoes not a great combination! Eventually I made it, ran inside dragged the man outside. No train smash, it just had to cool down!!! He offered me a drink and even in the face of my last hour of super psycho paranoia and fear, I refused. "It is a clean night for me!" I proudly if not shakily told him!
I was scheduled to be home at six, I now got home at eight. I started the first load of washing. I thought about making Risotto. It occurred to me that maybe my man may be able to come home for dinner since business was quite. So I started chopping onions. My eyes are burning, the washing is lying all over the bat cave and I need some wine – not for me for the Risotto – the problem is all I have is my lovely Meerlust 95 Chardonannay, which really deserves a better placement than combined with rice!
It’s going onto 10pm. I haven’t touched my laptop and I still have two more loads to complete.
With ridiculous determination to complete my Risotto I drove to the farm to collect some wine, drove back home – waited 15minutes for the security guard to open the gate for me (Bathroom break, or nap time I suppose)
Made my risotto. Flipping hard work. Thirty minutes of constant stirring, pouring, grating and temperature control. At two in the morning I finished my last load of washing and on top of the half unfinished bowl of Risotto I also managed to consume one and a half bottles of white wine (I ended up opening the Meerlust after all)
Today, I look like shit, my man is angry at me because of the drunken abuse he had to endure on arriving home to find me surrounded by pots and pans and buckets of washing.
Well at least I have plenty of left over food for dinner tonight and clean clothes!
Friday, 11 January 2008
Sleeping until 10am, reading my book in the sun. Maybe taking a drive to the beach for my first summer sea swim. Slow driving. TV. Enjoying the new Lap Top. Maybe Gordon's Bay tonight?
FRIDAY - THIS HAS BEEN THE LONGEST WEEK OF MY LIFE!!!
Next week - it will be a new week - I will be positive, productive and energetic. I will have a clean sober week and make my New Years Resolutions. Today marks the end of post holiday blues!!!
Tuesday, 08 January 2008
So the search continues...
Tuesday night, good TV, late TV, a bottle of wine!
I am still feeling terribly homesick!
Plus side is that I have put in my leave for March and I am very much looking forward to a couple of days rest, relaxation and taking my parents on a thousand tours!
Friday, 04 January 2008
They used a bit of this poem in ER last night, I think it is quite sweet!
i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
Thursday, 03 January 2008
- What I am quick to forget - getting this job was a major high - quite an achievement in this city, I have loved the company as an outsider forever. The interviews, the job searching, the feeling of desperation...getting this was a dream come true!!
- Surprising Mom on her Birthday! The look on her face was priceless, the planning was terribly exciting!
- The wedding - being a Maid of Honour!
- Hout Bay with friends till early hours of the morning!
- The Champagne Festival - I hope to have this as an annual high every year without fail!
- New Years Eve - the first successful social gathering we were able to pull off as a couple in Cape Town.
- The making of a couple of unlikely friends in an unfriendly city.
- Facebook - the discovery and re - acquaintance of some old and dear friends from the good and bad days! (One in particular, who was like a sister to me, until I became a Gothic judgemental bitch and dissed everyone who cared for me!)
- I finally fell in love with Cape Town. It took a while and I had my moments, but sitting next to the sea eating oysters and drinking Meerlust Chardonnay 05 on a Sunday night before going back to work on Monday is really quite something!!
Low points - (I really don't want to dwell to much on this - I actually managed to Cheer myself up from writing the last couple of sentences)
- Missing my family. This hasn't got less or more intense but remained a constant which worsens after a trip home, or when the family all gets together and phones me!
- The terrible home situation. My clothes lying all over the show, no bath, no privacy, it is awful - I never want to live like this again, never ever and I cant wait to get out of there.
- The exhausting search for a home - I know this should be exciting and definitely not at all a low, but shit I have seen enough crappy homes and met enough irritating estate agents to last me a life time!!!
- Driving to and from work - I need a new car.
- The fucked up parking situation! Everyday I have to say a prayer and run as fast as my stilettos will take me to get to my car in this huge multi-story creepy parking garage across the road, the place scares the living crap out of me!
- The worse thing - the lowest moment of my life, yet alone this year was the miserable farm workers, the toothless old bitch, her disgusting daughter and their master Crulela Da Villiers from the Free State...one day your time will come bitch!!!It is a new year and I am sure one day I might even be able to think of these three women without wanting to rip through their skin, the day will come!! I am sure my anger will dissipate with time.
Then there is my man and our roller coaster journey together - but I think I will save that for tomorrow!!
Wednesday, 02 January 2008
I have already snapped at my first unsuspecting victim. I don't feel like smiling, I hope everyone just leaves me alone. Today is not a good day. Will there ever be a time in my life when I am happy to go to work - what the hell am I supposed to be doing - where on earth do I find that place that so many people speak of - "I LOVE MY JOB"!!
Damn where the hell do I find this magical illusive place!!!
Let's face it - I am just suffering from the end of the holiday's, lack of sleep and missing my family. I am full to the brim with self pity. Shame poor me!! Loser!!