Wednesday, 14 February 2007

Cape Town

Cape Town
- from Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Cape Town is a city on the coast of South Africa so called because the wearing of capes or
cloaks is compulsory within the city limits. It was founded by Batman on his way
to Melbourne from Holland in 1652.
Cape Town is also called "The Mother City", believed to be due to the highly expressive
vocabulary of the local dialect (in which the words "your mother" feature regularly) and
the cheap and nasty (but potent) local wine. A different school of thought believes the
origin of the name lies in the fact that it takes 9 months to do anything in this sleepy
hollow. Cape Town is situated on a sandbar under Table Mountain (so called because unlike
most mountains, it is flat). Cape Town became famous for the first successful heart
transplant operation at its "Great Skewer" Hospital by Christian Barnyard.
Cape Town is neither as wealthy nor as large as Johannesburg, so the inhabitants
compensate with a superior attitude based on the claim that they were there first.
Which none of them personally were, unless they are over 300 years old.
It is socially unacceptable for a Capetonian to talk to people that they have not
previously talked to, which severely limits social interactions. If the opportunity should
somehow present itself, a traditional Cape Town greeting is "Jou ma se *%#@", often
abbreviated to "Jou ma", which means, roughly "Good day and good health to you and
your good mother, sir!"
Robin Island was named after Batman’s faithful sidekick. Later it was renamed
"Robbin' Island" and used as a jail, like Alcatraz but with colder water around it and
more sharks in it.
In spite of the revolution in 1994 severe social inequality still persists. Efforts to
redress this historical imbalance are progressing well, particularly the "mugg’em"
Popular sports are pretentiousness, drunk-driving, pole-vaulting, homosexuality,
French dressing and Mexican standoffs. The summer sport of setting fire to the
mountainside is more popular with tourists than with locals, though all enjoy the
cheerful spectacle of the flames and smoke.
Since 2006, the town council of Cape Town has embraced an "Amishisation " policy,
and has turned it's back on the use of electricity, declaring it a decadent bourgeois
luxury. Electricity is slowly being phased out in a series of "power cuts", and it is to be
replaced by the use of candles, paraffin lamps and fires for illumination and
sing-alongs for entertainment.
Cape Town is the first place to boast an Invisible Bridge. However, the bridge is
currently not in use as the city council refused to believe the claims of the construction
company when they informed the council that they had developed a new building
material which was stronger than steel but could not be seen by the human eye. The
city council is said to have likened the bridge fiasco to "The Emperor’s New Clothes".
Roads Memorial celebrates the fact that Cape Town is where roads were invented. This
is delightfully done by means of a monument which includes important tools to roadmaking
such as lions, a man with a horse and some dude's head.
Bergies are Cape Town's world famous mountaineers who live on Table Mountain and
often come down into the city to welcome foreigners with the traditional Capetonian
greeting of "Jou maaaa se *%$@!"

Wednesday, 07 February 2007

The beauty of not caring, lies and farm life

Today was a great day. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about arriving at work late, I didn’t care that everyone was wound up as tight as a golf ball. I am excited and I am proud of the risk I am willing to take.

Today one of my oldest friends lied to me. Strangely enough I don’t mind the odd lie. People often find themselves trapped in situations where the best outcome is a bit of a 'sincere' lie. Stupid lies just irritate me. Rather over-estimate the person's intellect before engaging on a betrayal. Cover all bases and ensure that your lie is plausible and isn’t researchable. A stupid lie results in very bad feelings, the type of feeling that cannot be easily forgotten or forgiven. Be particularly careful if you intend to lie to a Scorpio (Moi)
I find myself making terrible conclusions about the nature of the liar. Utterly judgmental and stereotypical conclusions about the true nature of the person who lies.

I have also discovered a new pet hate. Fake British accents. Surely if you are a South African living in London, your accent really makes you somewhat unique ( Even though I hear there are more SA people in London than the English) Still you are South African - love it or hate it and swapping your Ja's for your yeahs - does not a Londoner make. Especially when you come home for a visit. It is just simply unnecessary and sounds quite ridiculous in the land of your birth!

Seven days to go before I take a break. I want to tan, swim in the sea and pick up a couple of bottles of wine and some olives from the wine route.
I am choosing farm life over corporate benefits; I am choosing dirt roads and tractors over my laptop, 3G cards and a cell phone allowance. No more video conferencing, no more team building, no more media hyped functions, no more evil vending machines and sour faced PA's.
Hello big skies, sea air, roses and grapevines.

Monday, 05 February 2007

If I were King of the world

I have finally done it...I resigned. Next week Wednesday, on valentines day will be my last day in this hell. I am thrilled especially when not a minute goes by without something happening to piss me off!!!
They are still sticking me with bullshit jobs that they don’t have the balls to refuse to accept in the first place and lay the crap at my feet. Instead of maybe using my time left to do the job I was hired for. Oh how different and efficient and professional this department would be if I ran the show!! Heads would roll, meaningful work would get done, and everyone would leave the building with their heads held high after being pushed to the limits and surviving. Not this incessant whining and whinging... life is sooooo unfair. Shame. I am leaving, I am leaving, I AM LEAVING!!!!!