Monday, 08 September 2008

Monday Blues

I swam to work today. Two hours of stop and go. Somehow I have avoided the traffic by leaving later than normal – but today I was stuck in the thick of it! Snails pace – there was a point I thought I would go crazy – when thoughts of just slamming down the accelerator and screaming seemed like a good idea – anything to escape the awful horrific confinement and mayhem of the roads.

It was a lovely weekend of wine tasting and ending with large amount of grappa in front of a fire. I love fires; I can stand for hours and hours just staring at fire. Unfortunately I have arrived at work with the fresh memory of fire still lingering on my clothes and in my hair – oh well!

I am so sad that my adventure into Cape Town didn’t work out the way I had planned. I really believed that I would have been married by now – at the very least engaged and planning my engagement party. I thought we would be spending our first Christmas together as a family in our own home. I think what has shocked me the most and even surprised me is how much this man has hurt me and let me down. Despite everything we went through It just blew my mind that he could treat me so carelessly. It is a very bitter pill to swallow. – I feel so foolish and sick at the mere mention of someone else’s dreams coming true. There is an empty gapping whole in the pit of my stomach. It is hard to step back and look objectively at the situation. It is hard to not feel stupid for allowing myself to get so hurt and for having so many dreams. To really love someone – to plan my future with them – okay you can have me – only to get it thrown back in your face. To have your every fault blown up and presented to you on an ugly humiliating platter of guilt, blame and selfishness. What meant the world to me; he brushed off as dust. I find myself staring at him wondering when the man who loved me will come back. I stare at myself in the mirror and wonder if the girl he loved will ever come back. Who knew I was so tragically romantic?

aarg Monday

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