Tuesday, 22 July 2008

Today I am leaving my boyfriend. For exactly five weeks I have been carrying around a set of keys that could change my life forever. I have felt so much anxiety about these keys – the fact that they existed, the fact that they were real – the fact that because I have them in my possession I can’t go on ignoring the severity of a dream going horribly wrong, I cant go on denying that he has lied to me and betrayed me. My best friend, my confidant and partner in this great adventure has disrespected me and hurt me. I am slightly foggy but I am determined.
Tonight I am going to bed alone – I need to do this for myself. I need to respect myself and acknowledge that he cannot love me. He has brought out the very worst in me. He has made me forget who I am. He has persuaded me to accept an unacceptable way of living and fed my insecurities. I have tried, I have spent years defending his nature and I have respected the difficulties he deals with in business. I have accepted his unavailability and have suffered his endless absence on special occasions. I have dealt with spending the majority of time alone and being a guest of one.
I have tried to hurt him back – I have said some terrible things – it only hurt me more. He is no longer important, I don’t care what he thinks or how he feels. This is about me now.
Now to execute my plan: what do I pack? When do I pack? It is important not to see him.
It is also important to not think about the future, I need to just focus on today and tonight and leaving him.


Louisa said...

Good luck DT...

Rox said...

Aw hun, I don't know what to say. I hope that each day waking up is a bit easier and less weird, and that your inner strength prevails!

Have been resurrecting some very ugly and painful boy woes lately, and said boy still has the power to hurt me very much. In fact, today hasn't been such a good day for the hormones and emotions at all.

The main thing is, even after everything that's gone down, and no matter how bad it gets now to re-enter that shit, I am still going to hang on to myself with all I've got, because I know that tomorrow, or the day after, or the week or month or months after will get better.

You took the first step getting away from the bad stuff, now it's just a case of healing and getting yourself back out of it.

DT said...

Thanks Rox - everything is rather strange at the moment, not quite real! I just keep forcing myself to stay in the present and not think about tomorrow!
I am sorry to hear about your boy woes - these bloody men!!!!No matter how much older and wiser we get...

redframe said...

This is so truthful, it hurts. Wonderful writing!