Today I am leaving my boyfriend. For exactly five weeks I have been carrying around a set of keys that could change my life forever. I have felt so much anxiety about these keys – the fact that they existed, the fact that they were real – the fact that because I have them in my possession I can’t go on ignoring the severity of a dream going horribly wrong, I cant go on denying that he has lied to me and betrayed me. My best friend, my confidant and partner in this great adventure has disrespected me and hurt me. I am slightly foggy but I am determined.
Tonight I am going to bed alone – I need to do this for myself. I need to respect myself and acknowledge that he cannot love me. He has brought out the very worst in me. He has made me forget who I am. He has persuaded me to accept an unacceptable way of living and fed my insecurities. I have tried, I have spent years defending his nature and I have respected the difficulties he deals with in business. I have accepted his unavailability and have suffered his endless absence on special occasions. I have dealt with spending the majority of time alone and being a guest of one.
I have tried to hurt him back – I have said some terrible things – it only hurt me more. He is no longer important, I don’t care what he thinks or how he feels. This is about me now.
Now to execute my plan: what do I pack? When do I pack? It is important not to see him.
It is also important to not think about the future, I need to just focus on today and tonight and leaving him.