Friday, 25 July 2008

I wonder how you are doing. I am sure you are pissed off about not being able to watch the rugby tomorrow. Oh well – I am not worrying about your disappointments at the moment.

I am not having a great day today. I am weary about facing the weekend. I really miss having someone to talk to. I have really never felt so alone in my entire life. I feel almost invisible. It is amazing how many things in my life I am actually disappointed with. When I was with you and we were planning a future I could just about deal with anything. But now there seems to be very little purpose. I am not ready to substitute my old dreams for new ones, I can’t really think about an hour from now – let alone my future. I am so disappointed with myself for staying with a man who didn’t love me. I feel so sad that it turns out I am a pathetic person who stayed with you for so long – knowing that you will never give me everything I want in life. I feel so scared thinking that I may not get another chance to find love and to get married and start a family. I am so sad for the sadness and disappointment my family will feel when I tell them the truth. So much of my pride will be dissolved; so much of my spirit will be dampened and hardened. I am not an easy person, I don’t make friends easy and because of you I am in a city all alone.

4 comments:

Rox said...

I had a boyfriend in high school, who was my first love, and an alcoholic and drug addict with major issues. When things eventually burned out, as they had to, I was pretty numb for a good 2 years or so, and went through a fairly intense party and drug phase.

I was working at a night club and not sleeping much or eating much, and was at a very bad stage when a close family friend and her 11 year old daughter were raped and murdered. I wasn't at the best stage to deal with things, and went to a shrink to try and get some closure. The main thing I remember talking to her about was the druggie ex, and what she said to me really stood out...

She said that having a bad break up was like death, and that I was grieving, because in a sense, I was dealing with him 'dying' and that chronic sense of loss.

There are going to be a lot of bad feelings ahead, and you will try and put some of the blame on yourself for not doing something sooner, or for loving him, and you have to let yourself go through all of those stages, but just like the death of someone close to you, you have to grieve, and you have to be easy on yourself and realise that there is no blame in loving someone and wanting things to work.

It's even harder when you've made big changes in your life for someone, that makes it a double whammy.

Be strong hun and take it a day at a time. It does get easier, bit by bit.

Sunrise said...

Holy crap DT, I am so sorry, after just going through all my drama's, I have an inkling so... if you need to randomly chat to me a complete stanger, drop me a line - email me on sam@foxafrica.co.za , just know that time heals, its going to be hard though, just as rox above said. Fark en Hell, life sux at times!!

DT said...

Thanks Rox. You really have been through dark times, I am sorry and I hope that you will find all the love and joy you deserve and I hope that like you, I can come out of this as spirited and wise!
Grieving just about makes sense. The numbness, then anger. It is difficult to not blame myself and to think I should have known better - I just hate that I allowed my happiness to depend on the integrity of one man! Who knows maybe one day I will thank him! Thank you so much for your words!

DT said...

Thanks Sunrise!I won't torment you with a mail of a ranting mad women just yet!! I know you went through the same thing a while ago and you are right - life sometimes just bloody sucks!!!