Friday, 27 June 2008

Knocked down a peg or six

Well I didn’t get the job – but was told to go ahead and assume the responsibilities without the title! Of course – why fucking pay someone when you can get the job done for free! Today I am reminded of the corporate bullshit, the fucking hypocrisy, the fancy talk and manipulation. We are looking for leadership and we need to figure out a way for you to get the necessary exposure, you don’t have quite enough experience but instead of giving you the experience, we will have long manipulative talks with you, to convince you to work like a dog by dangling a carrot in front of your face but never actually promising you the carrot! You are sooooo valuable and you have sooo much to offer….blah-blah, blah-blah bullshit.

It is Friday, I am going to torture my body in Yoga then drink my bottle of Champagne – because I can!

I am in such a hatefull, foul and angry mood! Tomorrow the price of petrol goes up - I just keep getting poorer - these bloody corporate fuckers!

Thursday, 26 June 2008

A Sad Little Entry

What a sad little day today has been! I spent two hours getting to work this morning - that wasn't thrilling. I had a sad little lunch of soup and stale bread. I spent too much time with sad little people and now the day is over and I am sad it was just sooo uneventful! I need to find myself a good book to read. I just finished "Is anyone out there?" by Marian Keyes. It was so depressing and has stayed in my head for far too long. I need to stay away from these chick lit books. I am sure it is dampening what's left of my intellect! Sex and the City was bad enough - I need to find myself something challenging and thought provoking without a hint of 'self-help'!

Goodbye Sad Little Day at the office- May tomorrow bring great big gusts of joy!

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Crying over spoilt milk

“Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping.”
Bo Derek

Today I am working on my budget. I have decided to stop the period of denial – I am living beyond my means – it is frightening. Somehow (– and who knows how?) I manage to scrape through each month by the tiniest seam of my pants. I wrote down my every expense, even the shameful extravagant amounts I spend for my sins – cigarettes and booze! And the worst of it, the absolute worst of it was the R1800 spent on my ticket to Joburg because being the dumb ass I am, I booked my ridiculously cheap ticket 3 months in advance the wrong fucking way round! I was in Cape Town scheduled to fly to Cape Town! I am too ashamed to tell a soul. I still remember getting on board, feeling sick and utterly stupid – No matter how many gin and tonics I drank, I kept thinking One Thousand and Eight hundred rand – what have I done wrong in this world to make such a moronic mistake? I forced a smile on my face the whole way there and prayed for a slight dose of amnesia! One day I will laugh, but right now looking at the numbers I need more tequila!!

*One thousand eight hundred rand to fly for two hours up the road as opposed to the three hundred rand ticket I grandly and royally botched up!

Tuesday, 24 June 2008

Time to be still

Had a lurvly day yesterday. We found a cute proper little Italian bistro overlooking the sea; I found heaven in a house of books – room after room of floor to ceiling paperbacks! Tables of books on a plethora of topics and one curled up sleeping, ginger cat. The day ended with bloody Mary’s and a walk on the beach! Winter in Cape Town is so awesome – everything is quiet, restaurant staff and owners are actually delighted to see you, there is peacefulness in people – quietness.
We needed that. The conversation happened on Sunday night and went south very quickly, I have never drunk so much tequila before in my life…

Thursday, 19 June 2008

Calmness

My God I am tired! I feel like hell - am I getting the dreaded flu? Mind you I wouldn’t mind a couple of days in bed. Sleep - that would be heavenly right now!
I seem to have touch with the world right now. After a couple of days in Joburg I have forgotten my routine. This may be a good thing, an opportunity to forge ahead with some delightful new and exciting ways to live! Rah, rah, rah – the mind is wiling, the body not quite…

I know that to move ahead conversations need to happen and conclusions need to be reached, or at the very least mutual understanding. Acceptance would be wonderful and an expressed willingness or determination would have me floating on moonbeams. I feel constant tugs of hope and then despair at every turn. Conversations need to happen. There has been an almost happy lull of civility over the last two days, I know we would both like to continue this, just for the sake of a bit of normality – a rest – a holiday from the mayhem, but it cant last!

Oh well, right now I have to get through today and to help me along a couple of exciting possibilities or considerations. (A list of sunshine on a rainy day in a manner of speaking)

A tattoo – the time has arrived. There are only two decisions to make. Where and what? It must be beautiful and strong and represent the person I am right now!
Giving up smoking – Medication will be my method. Just need to set the bloody date.
My next big purchase. A GPS thingie. I can’t wait to be told what to do by a mechanical voice.
Lazer Eye surgery – the amount of money I am paying for contact lenses is a crime. Must do the research.
Learn to play Golf. I think it might be fun.
On-line shopping. I think this is going to be great and prevent me from spending my entire salary before I even hit the grocery section.

Wednesday, 18 June 2008

"Where's your will to be weird?"

I used to listen to The Doors. I was fascinated by Jim Morrison, by his songs, his madness and the ever cool one liners: “I am the Lizard King” I think I have watched the movie a thousand times and will always be a devoted fan to Val Kilmer because of his awesome portrayal. I have books, Autobiographies; a collection of his poetry and my most favourite treasured items is a double LP of 'The American Prayer’
Oddly enough, other than a couple of tape cassettes, I only have one CD – the Best of The Doors – I am not even a fan of Best Of… albums.
I remember listening to The End a thousand times, in my bedroom. Doors locked, swaying with my eyes closed.
(in between rewinding and fast forwarding – a now totally alien concept which really makes me feel old)

James Douglas Morrison is on the forefront of my mind right now because of these words:

“This is the strangest life I've ever known.”

And these:

There was preserved
in her
The fresh miracle
of
surprise”

And especially these:

She dances in a Ring of Fire and throws off the challenge with a shrug".

I want this to be me!

Tuesday, 17 June 2008

I am back!
It has been five days of laughter, a steady stream of alcohol and emotional conversations about where my life is heading. Joburg was lovely and warm. The afternoons were wonderful, but the dryness almost sucked the life right out of me!
I have returned home with resolutions – that is the positive way to phrase it. I have returned home to leave my boyfriend of six years. My heart is breaking and I have no idea how to do this – Can I do this?
Today is a big day for me, I am trying really hard to restrict my thought processes, and I need to become a bit of a machine – stay numb for a while. Look for distractions, until it has sunk in, until I realise I have no other choice but to act!
I hate the fact that this has been put into words – I can’t see these words anymore – not today.

Thursday, 05 June 2008

Me


last night after yoga, I was driving home and was suddenly stuck by clarity. A thousand light bulbs going off in my head. Then I became angry, really angry. It felt like healthy anger, anger I needed and was entitled to feel, to embrace and acknowledge.
I have no idea what to do next, but I am enjoying work – which is a hell of an improvement from where I was last year. I have lost a huge amount of weight over the last couple of months and apart from a miserable, stagnating relationship I am actually pretty happy with myself!

The big Interview is on the 17th of June.

Wednesday, 04 June 2008

Lovely Rain

I am walking on clouds today! I love not having anyone around to tell me what to do-I feel liberated, I don’t think I can work for a Manager again. I am feeling productive and motivated! At the moment I am also having a love affair with this city! Walking on the streets in my new black coat and boots, the grey rain, the amazing old buildings and smells of freshly baked muffins and large paper cups of coffee – it is all so invigorating! I am not even going to think about the misery at home today! Today is all about me and this city!

Speaking of sexy cities - I watched Sex and the City – it was horribly disappointing, way too few sex scenes, not half enough vulgarity and way too soppy! Even Mr Big lost his bad boy appeal. He was more a like a weak ass, love- struck chop!
The clothes were lovely – the ending was kind of reminiscent of what I loved in the series – the love letters bit was really weak! The whole plot was something really close to home; I wish it was it little more intelligent! I even shed a tear when he proposed to her! Sometimes I can’t believe what a girly girl I have turned out to be!!

Tuesday, 03 June 2008

The Happiest Days of our Lives

Today I have emailed a love letter, applied for a promotion and am now chasing a deadline! With a bag of yogurt covered nuts and a cup of Green Tea sitting on my desk I am suddenly wondering how did I get here??
I have been listening to Pink Floyd (Echoes) and it has put me into one really weird mood!
It is hard waking up in the dark; it is hard having so many wishes at the start of each morning, they seem to float above my head all day! I wish I had a new car, I wish I had an awesome black suit to wear with patent leather red heels; I wish I had my own office with a large leather chair and a huge pot plant. I wish that instead of these horrible florescent lights we could have lamps on our desk!
Then the big wishes – the intense wishes – the ones where you close your eyes and squeeze your fists tightly, nails cutting into your skill – the wishes you will to come true! The diamond of a house, with its gorgeous view of False Bay and the wooden floors, with its sunken lounge and beautiful garden bathed in sunlight. With it’s grape vines and lavender bushes! And then the big one – wishes of a diamond on my hand, tears running down my face and happiness ever after!

When he told me he loved big skies – I thought he was a dreamer – when he told me he loved Sisters of Mercy I thought he was a romantic! So many assumptions...

I need vodka!!

Monday, 02 June 2008

"Mondays are the potholes in the road of life."Tom Wilson

Just another Monday! Back at work, back in the routine. It is good! Had lunch at Riboville Restaurant today, It was beautiful, classy and elegant. Salmon roses on a Monday afternoon – Bliss. Add to that a glass of fat Bastard Chardonnay and for a moment I am happy!

The weekend went by too fast – I can’t easily recall what I did the entire time! Saturday was productive – looked at more houses – Found the diamond of all homes, only it seem we cannot afford it (or rather I have a man who doesn’t like spending money – that seems cruel, but I cant think of a more PC way of saying it right now!)
I did a lot of furniture rearranging and cleaning – I am trying to Feng Shui things up a bit. I made a lovely meal last night and did all I could to conjure up some romance between the two of us – as usual he was happy with the meal and the house but didn’t quite connect the dots, so I kissed a blank vacant face goodnight. As usual appreciation was a no show! I even tried walking around half naked for a while! But the eyes remained glazed and glued to the television. Is this really my life?? I multitask, scheme, write lists, fantasize, rearrange furniture, shave my bloody legs in winter, and use my most desirable creams and magic potions. I have done everything short of buying a cauldron and boiling a frog and this man just doesn’t click! (Or just doesn’t care) He is so switched off half the time! I really, really wish I could go away, leave him for a while, I really wish he would stop taking me for granted!

Oh well, I am not even depressed about it anymore – life goes on and maybe one day he will wake up – or maybe one day I will!