Friday, 23 May 2008

Early morning consideration

I have turned into a night owl! At midnight my genius level soars. It is terrible; I don’t know how I will cope going back into 6am work mode! It has been an incredibly emotional week. Our relationship is seriously damaged and it is something we both fully acknowledge. There were tears at the Dros – of all places. Manchester United supporters crying with joy and there I was, crying because I cannot pretend to be okay anymore. I actually couldn’t control myself – tears in my steak roll and bar staff looking strangely in my direction! It is such a strange time of my life, being on the verge of understanding who I am and then suddenly faced with fears of failure. I don’t think there is anything worse in life than thoughts of not being loved by someone you are prepared to give your life to. To make matters worse my thoughts have suddenly been with my ex boyfriend and the hectic, intense, all consuming and destructive relationship we had. I basically grew up with him. He was my first bad boy crush and somehow it lasted almost six years. I suddenly need to speak to him; it is like I need to look at myself through someone else’s eyes. Someone who knew me when I was headstrong and insanely brave. Someone who knew the girl who wouldn’t take shit, who dyed her hair pink and headbanged! I am drowning in all this stuff with my man, I think I have lost myself somewhere.
There is so much I love about life, but I am struggling. I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other. I am struggling to acknowledge who I am and what I want!

It is good to write!

"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing."
Anais Nin

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